Republicans Pivot to Being Social Justice Warriors for the Rich, White, Former President Demographic

Just as Jesus would do

I figured Republicans would spend this election cycle doing their typical MAGA stuff, like whining, crying, lamenting, bellyaching, griping, grousing, and quibbling. They’ve perfected these skills and apply them like an AR-15 mass shooter.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that they would put this energy into social justice endeavors like comforting criminal defendants and bringing much-needed attention and assistance to their plight. Some might say it’s a political stunt to endear voters to their political views, but their cause seems to be rooted in a genuinely caring and tender loving strategy.

To hammer home their point, they randomly chose one case to build a strong narrative around. While doing this, they also happened to home in on a niche demographic that is oft forgotten: rich, white, former presidents.

Their multi-pronged approach focuses on many aspects of discomfort and mistreatment criminal defendants face. For example, Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville focused on two of them in his statements to the press; namely, gag orders and courthouse conditions.

Here’s a few excerpts from an interview with popular moderate broadcasting company Newsmax:

“Hopefully we’ll have more and more senators and congressmen go up every day to represent him and be able to go out and overcome this gag order, and that’s one of the reasons we went — is to be able to speak our piece for President Trump.”

“First of all, I’m disappointed in the courtroom. I’m hearing, ‘Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump.’ He is ‘former President Trump…Give him some respect. I mean, that’s what that place is in there. It is no respect.”

“Here is what I’m seeing, too. It is depressing. That courtroom is depressing. This is New York City. The icon of our country. And we got a courtroom that is the most depressing thing I’ve ever been in.”

“The Republican candidate for president of the United States is going through mental anguish in a courtroom that’s very depressing, very depressing.”

Yes, who knew that a U.S. citizen would be smothered with gag orders upon being criminally tried? It’s an outrage that criminal defendants can’t criticize, threaten, or intimidate judges, juries, and witnesses with impunity. Thomas Jefferson is probably rolling over in his grave at the unmitigated power of the state.

And for the city of New York to go from the bustling streets full of ubiquitous energy and activity, like you see in the early 20th century depictions on film at 1.5x speed, to the “depressing” sleep-inducing inquisition-dungeon-type atmosphere in the courtroom is unconscionable. Oh, the “mental anguish” that defendants must feel as a result.

As is well-known, criminal defendants of Tuberville’s home state of Alabama are treated to a carnival-like playground when they step into their courthouses. First, they are greeted by a man with a bullhorn that announces their entrance, gives them a bucket of butter-soaked popcorn, and directs them to the hallway filled with misshapen mirrors that takes them to their courtroom—if it can even be called that. Because once you enter the room, you find that you’ve sunk down into a sea of plastic balls that you must wade through to get to your table, where your lawyers, all dressed like Bozo the clown, are waiting for you to accept their pre-trial legal counsel.

And to ward off that pesky depressing feeling that sometimes creeps in, one can simply stop the proceeding to honk their lawyers big-red-ball noses, or even throw a sandbag at the dunk machine target, in which their accuser is sitting, nervously anticipating a direct hit that will cause them to plummet into a tank full of water.

One can understand Tuberville’s consternation that New York’s court system doesn’t quite match up to Alabama’s, where they take criminal defendant’s psychological state very seriously…some would say to a fault.

And then there’s Mike Johnson, the Republican Speaker of the House, bravely taking on the system:

“It’s impossible for anybody to deny, that looks at this objectively, that the judicial system in our country has been weaponized against President Trump. The system is using all the tools at its disposal right now to punish one president to provide cover for another.”

“These are politically motivated trials, and they are a disgrace. President Trump is innocent of these charges.”

“I am one of hundreds of millions of people and one citizen who is deeply concerned about this”.

Johnson bravely points out the elephant in the room: that it’s completely impossible for anybody to deny the corruption of our judicial system, and that Trump is absolutely “innocent”. I mean, if anyone knows about guilt and innocence, it’s the current Speaker of the House. He knows the facts of every case in existence, both instinctually and intuitively.

Take, for example, the case against current President Joe Biden. Johnson has overseen the Congressional prosecution against Biden for corruption and undefined malfeasance, in which a plethora of documents and accusations have been presented. He just knows Biden is guilty and will prove it just as soon as he can. But the fact that he’s sure of it means we can all rest assured that it will eventually be proven.

Same thing regarding the rampant voting of non-citizens in our elections. He knows it’s happening. He knows this intuitively. So, obviously, it’s happening, and we all know it. And we have to therefore pass a redundant law to make it illegal again. Perhaps MAGA should change their phrasing to “Make Illegal Things Illegal Again” (MITIA….not quite the same ring to it, unfortunately).

And who can match the powerful wit of J.D. Vance, who now is turning his skills to the justice partrol’s task at hand?

On X, he wrote the following gems:

“I saw a media report a few days ago that Trump looked like he was falling asleep or bored or something. The obvious narrative they’re trying to sell is “yeah Biden is mentally unfit but this other guy is bad too.” It’s an absurd narrative. I’m 39 years old and I’ve been here for 26 minutes and I’m about to fall asleep.”

“Michael Cohen admitting he secretly recorded his employer. Just totally normal conduct, right? The best part is he said he did it only once and only for Trump’s benefit. A standup guy!”

“We’ve seen a couple mask wearers. @TTuberville turns to me and says “looks like we forgot our masks. (laugh-crying emoji)” (Tuberville is really the wit here. But congrats to both for staying current on their amusing social commentary).

“I’m now convinced the main goal of this trial is psychological torture. But Trump is in great spirits.”

Yes, the erstwhile novelist still has it. The biting satirical look at American life through the lens of a tortured former president in trial may be his best potential story yet. I think he’s got something here.

All together, we have a dream team of power players that have taken it upon themselves to fight for the little guy. Oh, sorry, I meant “big” guy. A real winner with a full head of natural hair who only goes to the bathroom on the toilet, and totally does not want to be the next Hitler.

This is the prototypical downtrodden American citizen that needs to be heard in this day and age by a country that has long forgotten him. For this crop of Republican lawmakers to put aside petty differences and bring attention to his cause is both selfless and smart, as it brings our political discourse into a more positive and reaffirming realm and lowers the temperature of the country.

Won’t you help donate to the cause?