MAGA Perfects the Art of the Fine Whine

We are living in a Golden Age of Whine

To the extent that whining is an art, MAGA has perfected it. Donald Trump should write another book entitled The Art of the Whine. He’s the maestro, and his MAGA minions are his students. Scholars suggest that the skills and talents of the students may have even surpassed their master’s.

We’ve seen a lot of whining over the last several years, but it has intensified lately with Trump in the process of being held accountable for his past actions. The ultimate consequence hit on Thursday, May 30, when he was found guilty on 34 criminal counts and officially became a convicted felon.

As a result, there were some whine gems worthy of study for future students of “The Whine” that ran the gamut of techniques. Below are some of our best and brightest in the field displaying their talents for all styles of whine.

Benny

First, we have the more contemplative whine. Quick, astute points, with notes of somberness. If Karen were a man, you’d have the incomparable Benny Johnson:

Pretty tame stuff, but effective. But Benny is the master of many techniques. One of them is the “rationalization whine”, where suddenly you can find examples of important historical figures doing exactly what Donald Trump does. This not only implies that Trump is not the trailblazing unhinged criminal you’d think he is, but also that he’s just doing as Ben Franklin or George Washington would have done.

Simple, yet elegant. A true master of the art.

Junior

Known as the “Triggered Sledgehammer”, Junior prefers to just lay it down in front of you and make you deal with it. Not known for his subtlety, Junior is more of an “in your face” whiner. When Junior whines, you can almost taste the tears coming out of his cocaine-riddled ocular blood vessels.

Two things are happening at once in this whine. First, it’s brutally accusatory. But notice the conspiratorial aftertaste that just hits the palate so? Junior’s whines go down hard, but linger.

Dilbert

Known in whine circles as “Dilbert” due to his second profession as a cartoonist, whose main character is named as such, Scott is from the pseudo-intellectual camp of whiners. Often seen trying to come off as an alpha-male futurist and master of the mind, when Scott whines it’s almost hard to tell it’s a whine.

His whines are so ingrained in his aura of intellectualism, they seem more philosophical than blatant whines. But to those that study whines, the techniques are recognizable. Dilbert is the hack whiner that comes off as being above hack whiners. And boy do his whines go down smooth.

Notice the utter despair and defeatism combined with hints of high-mindedness. It’s the “jury system” that was “all we had left” holding our country together, and now it’s gone…and therefore “America is gone”.

Never mind the extremism and inciteful nature of this whine. If you confront him on it, he will call you “batshit crazy” and “lol” you to death. But that’s his talent: to seem like an above-the-fray philosopher when really he’s a shameless hack.

Dilbert is whining at its finest.

Captain Kirk and Joey

Looking to get enraged? Well, with Charlie Kirk and Joey Mannarino, rage is what you’ll feel. Known by whine afficionados as “Captain Kirk” and “Joey” (said in a stereotypical male Italian-American accent), respectively, these two are the masters of rage.

Need an escalation in your despondent feelings? As the great Billy Joel might have sung: “Captain Kirk will get you high tonight”.

Nothing like the word “assassination” to get one’s juices flowing. But the brilliance is in the vagueness and plausible deniability. It was a legal assassination, not a literal one, so no violence here (or is there?). And the question he poses at the end is just ambiguous enough to be interpreted so many different ways.

A more stable person could say “Wow, I really disagree with this political persecution of my savior and hope they stop”. Or an unhinged maniac might think “I need to kill all Democrats so they don’t assassinate my people again.” Hard to really pinpoint the intentions, due to the Captain’s mastery.

Always trying to seem like a respectable political operative while dishing out the rage inducement, Captain Kirk’s whines mix well with shoulder shrug and fire emojis.

No shoulder shrugs needed with Joey. He’s pure unadulterated rage. Known as the “Absurdist” for his deadpan ultra-extremism, no one rage-whines quite as well as Joey.

Yes, just arrest every former president for no apparent reason. Because “presidential immunity”, which isn’t a thing, “died” when Trump got convicted. Go, Joey, go!

No party to the Trump New York trial did their jobs appropriately in the whining mind of Joey. They all simply committed “treason”. Feeling whine-enraged? Just as Joey whine-intended.

Miller Time

Straight from the histrionic school of whining, Stephen Miller has no contemporary peers. He’s the Lebron James of melodramatic whining.

Here we see him imply that the current U.S. is behaving worse than the Soviet Union back in their heyday. He doesn’t care about the illogical nature of his whine, as the Soviet Union didn’t really have a mechanism for filing “34 felony charges against a top political rival…” But that’s the beauty of it. No logic needed. Just dramatic references to history.

As Miller hysterically notes, a whole centuries-old legal tradition of western society was “murdered”. Just marvel at the frenzied emotion of it. And notice the overlapping of schools of thought here. He takes a page from Captain Kirk with his vague reference to violence (“murdered”), to add some rage-inducing effects.

Bravo, Mister Miller! It certainly is “Miller Time” in the whine industry.

The Turd

“You can’t gird The Turd” is a slogan you’ll hear at whine gatherings throughout the country, in honor of the master whiner Catturd.

Always provocative and unrestrained, Catturd hails from the “desperation whine” tradition. This style dictates that you mindlessly repeat phrases in the hopes that people will believe it and try to convince others why the bad event that just happened is actually bad for the other side.

It’s sort of an outwardly delusional approach that many can’t pull off because of some tiny amount of public shame that most people feel with such behavior. But that does not hold back Catturd.

Boom. Simple and straightforward. Doesn’t mind coming off like a petulant 5-year-old. This is just fearless whining at its best.

Yes, Catturd, Trump’s conviction is actually going to propel him to heights of historical glory no one else of our generation will ever see.

See the desperation? Catturd wields it like a machete. No one whines quite like Catturd and no one ever will.

Conclusion

As you can see, we are in a Golden Age of whine. This was just a portion of the talented innovative whiners throughout the world. We should study and appreciate the people that make up today’s whine industry. They are of historical importance and will surely usher in a new era of whine creativity and power.

I would like to leave you with some words of wisdom from the Father of the Whine, Donald Trump.

Wow, powerful words. Apparently, one should just react by whining. A lot.